I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
