hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
