i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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