im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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