Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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