He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Randomize
