i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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