There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
