Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
