My sheets look like a crime scene.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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