i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
