He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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