birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
