dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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