When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
