My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
