Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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