I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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