He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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