she woke up with a sticky ear
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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