The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
