I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
