i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
