I just saw a hot homeless man
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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