Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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