What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
