Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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