i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No subtext here. People are naked.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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