I think I died a long time ago.
Duck Duck Cougar?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
