I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
