haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im holly from the hills drunk
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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