my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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