Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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