I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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