when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
