You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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