About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
