We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
