Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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