She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
