you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
