i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
