Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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