he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
