can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
