Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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