Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
