I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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