I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
