he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
