Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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