i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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