He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
