so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
try to milk me bitch
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
